Why does it all of a sudden seem like bearing four children was the worst idea EVER? I mean, we were feeling pretty confident after we had Daxton and Grady. So confident in fact, that we decided to push on and have another one. Then, as though we were on top of it all, we had one last child. Now, we have four and there is no going back, and everything seems as if it is going to pot. All of a sudden, parenting is SOOOO hard. It's not the service of the job. I happily give up my life to cook meals, pack lunches, bathe children, run them around, kiss them, do homework with them, tuck them in, and do their laundry. I knew that was part of the deal. It's the discipline and the teaching and the "eternal salvation" part of the job. Let's face it, if they make wrong choices in their lives it reflects on us and our parenting, plus then we just worry, worry, worry about them.
So, here's what's been going on. We have the same old "Daxton tears down Grady at every chance he gets". Meaning, Daxton is always making comments to Grady so that Grady feels dumb or that make Grady feel like he made a dumb choice. It's how Daxton builds himself up. Maybe it means I am not building Daxton up enough if he feels like he has to tear others down to feel good. Hmm... I'll have to think some more on that. Anyway, that has been going on for a long time so it's nothing new. The new dynamic in the family is that Grady seems very sad, angry, depressed lately. He has a furrowed brow look that we lovingly call his "angry eyes". I tell him at least 20 times a day to lose his angry eyes. It has gotten a lot worse since we went to Arizona for New Years. So, the logical conclusion is that he is struggling with the move, making new friends, and being away from everything he knows in Arizona. I decided this past weekend that I needed to get to the bottom of it because the tantrums and emotions and super sad sobbing are really wearing on all of us. I took Grady out for a date... just me and him. He got to choose dinner and a movie. I got him in the car and he was like my old Grady again. He was happy and chatty, and he even sang all the way to McDonalds. We had a lovely chat during dinner about the move and missing our friends in Arizona and all the new friends we would make here in our new town. He was open and honest. We talked about dealing with Daxton and how unproductive it is to have tantrums. It was WONDERFUL to spend time with him. He hugged me at least 10 times through the night. I hugged him back. We had a great time together and I thought our problem was all fixed up. After our movie (Chronicles of Narnia) we got in the car to drive home and within 3 minutes he was having a meltdown because he couldn't get his seatbelt on. I calmly explained to him that things are harder to do when we're frustrated. I told him that there were a couple of options... he could take his coat off so it was easier, or change seats. He cried for a minute more then calmed down and got it buckled. He was sad for the rest of the drive home. Maybe it was because he was tired. He is my one that doesn't do well without a full 12 hours of sleep at night. He needs every minute. But, my heart fell and we were back to square one.
It's gotten worse. He is constantly telling me NO. He flat out refuses to do something he doesn't want to do. I finally got fed up and took all all electronic gaming away from him until he can go 2 days without telling me no. He translates that as, "you don't love me". Last night when he didn't eat his dinner, and so didn't earn dessert, he threw a tantrum because he didn't get a cookie. He translated his not earning a cookie to us not loving him. We explain to him about choices and we tell him that it was his choice not to eat dinner and earn a cookie, but he's 6 and he doesn't really see it that way. I kind of remember feeling that way as a kid. If my parents didn't give me what I wanted it was because they didn't love me. I grew out of it, and I PRAY he does too... but we just don't know, do we? Will he hold on to that "they don't love me" feeling his whole life, or will he be able to let it go like I did?
GAH! It's just so maddening. We love him! We love all of them and we just want to teach them that their choices have consequences, and that life isn't fair, and that sometimes we have to do things we don't want to. I can totally see why there are so many parents in the world who just let their kids do what they want. Wouldn't it be so easy?
We don't have a firm plan in place yet, as far as what we are going to do with this problem, but we've sort of had talks with the boys before about how our family is a team and we have to stick together. We are going to pull Daxton aside and talk to him about how our family team needs to rally around Grady and help build him up and make him happy again. It's the best we've got right now. I'd love to know if anyone has any ideas. I've gotten to the point where I'm considering counseling for Grady... and maybe Daxton.
4 comments:
Mandy! I just posted something super similar about kosty. I more than understand. I think it is the move for Kosty, and probably Grady too. Kosty is the type that needs to have a very exact routine and hates any type of change. He's so not a go-with-the-flow type. After our rough day on Monday, I was so exhausted mentally and I told Jer that I'm going to look into the school psychologist, I also told him that we are failing as parents, I also told him that maybe kosty has bi-polar...but my heart tells me that he just needs more sleep. He is constantly overtired and irrational. My plan is to get him on more of a strict sleeping regime (ever since we moved he's had a hard time falling asleep, he gets up, begs to sleep in our bed, sneaks into our room, etc...) if I don't notice a change then we will see what the next step is. I think the move really messed things up though, his behavior has been so much worse in our new house.
I think there is something in the WATER.......WOW, I can SOOOOOO relate.........over structure, under structure, what's the moderation, I DON'T know.......I need counseling as do my children, I'm sure......;) Oh dear.
BUT.......I did get your cake tasting invite, off the BLOG, not Facebook---;) Thank you, and I'd LOVE to see you too, let's cross our fingers, and I'll DEFINITELY try to swing it.
GOOD LUCK.
Oh man, I'm already feeling overwhelmed with 3 is it too late to change my mind about #4?? I can totally relate too, as can all moms. Jayden is my challenging one and if you ever come up with a solution, let me know, I can use all the help I can get!
I opened your comments to see if I could get some great suggestions, but I guess we all struggle, right? So I think the good parents are the ones that do care about not letting their kids do whatever they want. We know that won't help them be confident and competent adults. So instead, we take the harder road, but yes, it is super hard. But because you're worrying so much and because it is so hard, that's what tells me that you're an awesome parent. And yes, if you figure it out, please share with the rest of us. And thanks for such a real post. I love what you said about being totally willing to sarifice most everything to work as a mom, but yes, it's the displine and worrying about them doing the right thing that is sooo overwhelming. I completely agree with you. At least you know that there are many who are struggling with you!
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