Happy Birthday to ME!

I'm going to write this down even though it is pretty personal. Since this is the only journal I have then there isn't really anywhere else to write it, and I want to remember it always.
Let me start with a little background information. This might be interesting to my boys if they were to read it when they get older. My dad, for as long as I can remember, has been a master at pie baking. He made the BEST pie crust that is tender and flaky and it melts in your mouth. In the 25 years of my life that he was here I watched him make hundreds of pies. He would take requests from our neighbors a couple days before Thanksgiving and Christmas and on both of those days we would make oodles of pies. That would be my family's gift to our neighbors.

If ever you were to ask Brandon for a dessert request he will ask for pie. So, shortly after we got married I called my dad for the family pie crust recipe. He gave it to me and I tried, somewhat unsuccessfully, to make a pie. I remember Thanksgiving of 2003 when Brandon and Daxton and I were at my parents house for the holiday. That was the last time I got to make pies with my dad. I remember telling him of the woes of perfecting this pie crust and him trying to explain that it just takes some practice. I have been practicing for 7 years now and I still find it difficult. I believe I've got the taste of the crust right, but what seems to always trouble me is getting the crust to stay in one piece while I get it in the pie plate. Until today...

I always make pies for Brandon's birthday. His was Friday, and mine is today. Every year we take pies to my in law's house for Brandon and cake for me. So, this afternoon I was making the pie crusts for Brandon's pies. All the boys are asleep, and the house is completely silent. I started thinking of my dad, and I thought "come on dad, it's my birthday and I could really use some help with these pies- that could be your gift to me." I just felt him there. I felt like he wanted to tell me happy birthday, and then as I looked at my hands working the crust I remembered his hands during the hundreds of times I watched him ruffle the edge of the crust to make it decorative. He would leave tiny fingernail marks along the edge as he did this. I looked at my own marks and the tears started flowing. I was trying not to cry on my beautiful pie crusts and trying, unsuccessfully, not to cover my face in flour. As I finished up the pie crusts I felt him wish Brandon a happy birthday as well.

It's such a small thing, but so HUGE to me. I miss my dad. He was, and is, such a huge example to me in my life. As time since his death has passed it sometimes seems like he is so far away and I hate that I don't feel the pain as often anymore. That might sound strange, but I always felt like the pain of losing him kept me close to him. It was the best gift I could have gotten today to feel him close by and continuing to guide me, even if it was just to make a really great pie. So, happy birthday to me.